The Concerned Citizens Committee, in partnership with Commonsense Wyoming, has issued the following statement in response to the recent spread of Cantbloodydriveritus in Casper.

Outbreaks of Cantbloodydriveritus have been observed in the region before, although, this latest outbreak may be the worst to date. One of the issues is the disease not only spreads quickly, but comes in a variety of forms and affects different people in different ways. Research is in its infancy, but there does appear some correlation between Cantbloodydriveritus and ownership of cars, trucks, motorcycles, bicycles, cellular phones, iPods, in car video screens and any and all kinds of bumper sticker be it religious, political, hobby themed, academic, music related or pretentiously obscure.

Other risk factors of Cantbloodydriveritus include eating in the car, hyper children in the backseat, vanity, nosiness, a penchant for bad music, an inability to tell the difference between red and green as well as an innate desire to drive your fellow human beings to veritable distraction.

Recognizing people already infected with Cantbloodydriveritus is essential to avoid the spread of this highly communicable disease. Warning signs such as slowing down in traffic for absolutely no reason, driving with the turn signal on but never turning or not turning their head from their side conversation for more than 30 seconds while obliviously slowing down should be avoided. Immediately change lanes but remain hypervigilant for more sick people.

Some studies show that verbal responses to Cantbloodydriveritus, such as shouting, swearing, asking rhetorical questions to thin air or explaining to your children how the infected driver in front of you is what’s wrong with this country have had minimal effect and often only seem to exacerbate symptoms in some carriers. Rolling down the window and ‘really meaning it’ does seem to delay infection, but only temporarily. Some research indicates success with the ‘I haven’t had coffee yet I dare you’ face as a topical response for those without immediate access to professional assistance.

For those already infected and showing two or more of the symptoms listed above, professionals advise an immediate driving ban to recuperate from the illness and build up resistance to future infection. The treatment plan includes not texting when driving, looking up when driving, paying attention when driving, doing the speed limit, using your turn signal correctly, keeping your eyes on the road not your passenger, not texting, not eating or drinking when driving, learning to ‘go on green’ in a timely manner, not texting, turning your head to observe other traffic and not thinking you live alone in a parallel universe, learning how your ‘brights’ work, realizing that orange flashing arrow in the turning lane means ‘hey ho give it a shot some of us have places to go’ and not texting. Follow up includes understanding the concept of consideration and a once yearly supplement of common sense.

This public health warning has been issued for your benefit. Take steps now to avoid infection in the future. Highly contagious outbreaks of Cantbloodydriveritus are on the rise. Winter weather is a major factor in spreading the disease and often leaves sufferers susceptible to other illnesses such as Slowingdownfirstflakeonia on one end of the scale and Senselessstormspeeding’s Syndrome on the other, both also highly contagious. Consult your local common sense outlet for more information and updates on social health emergencies such as this one.

*The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of West Winds Magazine or its affiliates.

Trish Popovitch